I have less teeth than I used to. The right side of my face is still really numb and this is what happens when I try to smile.
The oral surgeon was a handsome, middle aged man. He had a bit of a Japanese accent. On his wall he had a t-shirt signed by Wayne Gretzky. It reminded me of a famous quote.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. — Wayne Gretzky”
— Michael Scott
The assistant was a woman younger than me. I’m still getting used to medical professionals that grew up with Pokemon and not Ninja Turtles. She had the numbing agent on long Q-tips. It was pink. She spread it around my gums and I started tasting bubble gum. I’d like to take this opportunity to acknowledge the genius who came up with bubble gum flavored numbing agent. Well done.
It was time for the needle with the local anesthetic and the doctor hovered over me. He asked me if I liked basketball—proving that every dentist in the history of ever wants to have a conversation with you despite your inability to say anything past a mumble. I wanted to say, “No, I don’t really like sports… I’m from the internet.” But I just said that I preferred baseball. I played little league. So it was mostly true. Then he asked me how the Cards are going to do this year. I mumbled, “I fink zay hap a shart.” Unbelievably he seemed to understand me. “You think they have a shot? I hope so.”
This dental dynamic duo left me alone for a while until my mouth was a tingly land of numbness. He returned and quickly took control of my mouth. He shoved a rubber thing on one side and then started digging into my bottom tooth. I could hear scraping. Then I heard my gums tearing. After some effort he decided he needed new hardware. I’m not sure what this device was, but it made a loud whirring sound and he jammed it into my mouth. My whole body seized from the pain. The anesthetic was either not done correctly, or just not strong enough. It felt like a gorilla just punched me in the tooth. The pain was brief, but it was quite possibly the most painful thing I have ever experienced. When the tooth was out I was breathing heavy and sweating. My hands hurt from clenching them so tightly. He quickly added some morphine to the area and any lingering pain started to fade away. They put oxygen on my nose to help me relax. I was suddenly angry that my insurance wouldn’t cover knocking me the hell out.
It was time for the top tooth. They promised it was going to be much easier. The dentist started another conversation. Asked if I was related to someone with the same last name. “fat bris mah annt.” He couldn’t interpret my mumbles and actually took out all the stuff in my mouth so I could answer. “That is my aunt.” He put the rubber back in, stuck some metal doodad in my mouth. I closed my eyes and waited for the pain to start again. The assistant cheerily said, “Okay, you’re done.” I think I gave her the biggest half smile of relief my face was capable of. I couldn’t even tell they did anything. I feel like the top one was so easy I could have just used string and a doorknob. I was thankful I didn’t have to experience that pain again.
Right now I feel okay. No residual pain yet. My folks are getting me pills in case there is. I’m very tired. I am going to rest now. The queue is full and happy things are on the way.
Dentists are one of my worst nightmares and lately god has been testing me or having lots of fun with my pain because since august I’ve had a tooth pulled and a root canal for a tooth that was abscessed…gahhh! But luckily the big furry corgi upstairs connected me with the best dentist in town, and also the best tylenol III :) Speedy recovery Frogman!
Ohh no I hope you feel better, John!
(mainly for your CRAIG FERGUSON APPEARANCE GEEEZ JOHN YOUR LIFE IS AWESOME)
JOHN! I know your pain…literally! Had to get on extracted a while back…WORST TOOTHACHE OF MY LIFE…But it feels soooo much better once it’s gone. Just get those Tylenol III!!! Craig Ferguson will understand lol
John Green’s taping on March 19 STILL HAVE SOME TICKETS LEFT!!
Book your ticket FOR FREE:
DID YOU GUYS KNOW THAT THIS IS A THING THAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN?!
OMG! Two of my favorite men.